Prom Night Sucked

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Prom Night Sucked

Post  Seira on Mon 19 Apr 2010, 2:15 am

...I had started writing this and then I read the challange (Prom night sucks) and this is what it turned into. I hope I did well and actully met the challange.



A Single Breath

They say a single breath can change everything. I wouldn't know.

My life was boring. My school was boring. I've never not had the things I needed. Not necessarily the things I wanted, but the things I needed I had. In other words, I was just your typical seventeen year old. I had a good relationship with my parents, my grades were average and I don't have any friends...

So imagine my surprise when Luke Macdiarmada, the most popular, most handsome boy in my school asked me to the prom. At first I thought he was joking. Why ask me of all people? I'm not particularly pretty, nor am I popular. I was five foot even, with short auburn hair and muddy brown eyes. I'm skinny too.

“Well?” Luke asked me. “You will go with me, won't you Sierra?”

“I uh...sure.” I finally said. He smiled at me brilliantly.

“Awesome! I was afraid you were going to say no.” He looked around. The prom was tomorrow. I hadn't even been planning to go, because nobody asked me and yet now...now I was going with Luke. If he wasn't just going to stand me up, that is. “So, I'll meet you there?” He asked. I nodded.

“I have to go now Luke. I have to prepare, you know, go shopping and stuff.” I said softly. He nodded and left me as I watched him go before turning around to head home. My parents weren't there, but that was normal. They were often away due to they're jobs. I went up to my room to put my school books away.

Entering I looked at the bed and dropped my book-bag, startled. There was a prom dress on my bed. A beautiful prom dress, something that...looked familiar, but I couldn't place it. I walked over to it and touched it. It was made of a light red satin. Not pink, but one of the lighter shades of red. I decided to try it on. It was...a perfect fit. Well, now I didn't have to worry about that. I just hoped that Luke would like it.

Time seemed to fly for me, and before I knew it, it was time to go to the prom. I got myself all prettied up with makeup and wore the dress of course, before walking the two blocks to school. Luke was waiting for me outside and he smiled at me.

“Sierra, before we go in, can I talk to you?” He asked softly, his smile I noticed, turned sad. Was something wrong?

“Of course Luke. Let's go to Class 207. It's never locked.” He nodded and led the way. It wasn't actually that far from the Gym were the prom was. He looked so handsome dressed in his tux. I couldn't help but wonder what it was he needed to talk to me about. When inside the classroom he sat down on a desk. I sat in the chair in front of him.

“So...What do you need to talk to me about?” I asked after a few moments silence.

“Sierra...you have to go.” Luke said softly. I blink confused.

“Excuse me? I just got here.”

“No...you need to pass on. Sierra...you're dead. You died in nineteen ninety. You were shot by your prom date before you ever made it to the prom. You stuck around because you wanted to go...but you never seemed aware. Didn't you ever notice that nobody noticed you?” He asked.

I was was staring at him in horror. No. No. It wasn't true. It couldn't be true. I was just as alive as he was. My mouth moved but no word came out.

“Didn't you ever notice that nobody ever spoke to you, or looked at you? As if you weren't there. It took me a while to figure out because you were so life like. You've spun pretty stories to yourself, lied to yourself, hidden your own memories from yourself, but in the end it's the same. Sierra Taylor died when she was seventeen years old. You're a ghost.”

All the pain and terror came rushing back as did the memories. My parents had never been around, they never cared about me. That was the only thing that had been lacking in my life. Love. But then Logan Stevenson had entered the picture. He had told me that he loved me, told me he had from the first time he'd met me. He had made me feel beautiful.

It had been an accident. A robber had stopped us when we had been heading to the prom and Logan had tried to wrestle the gun from him. Instead Logan had ended up shooting me. A freak accident. But I had wanted to go to the prom so badly that my spirit had remained, unable to move on. I had forgotten that I was dead. Tears came to my eyes.

“I...I...” I couldn't seem to speak. Luke made no move to touch me, comfort me. He knew as well as I did that he couldn't.

“I'm sorry.” Luke replied. “But I'll give you this if it will help you move on. You're still my date for tonight.” He smiled at me. “I'll give you tonight. So please Sierra, stop crying.” I shook my head and smiled at him sadly.

“No. You don't have to.” I replied. “I got my wish. I got to go to the prom. Thank you, Luke. Thank you.”

***

Luke watched as Sierra Taylor, the ghost that had been haunting the school for ten years, vanished before his eyes and smiled. He was happy she was able to finally move on.


Last edited by Seira on Mon 19 Apr 2010, 3:12 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Prom Night Sucked

Post  Whisper on Mon 19 Apr 2010, 2:58 am

Yey hehe another entry.

I liked the twist here. I didn't see it coming until Luke said it. I thought he was telling her to go, as in go to prom because I have to be elsewhere. Nicely done!

As for critiques, here's what I got:

Seira wrote:

They say a single breath can change everything. I wouldn't know.

While this is a nice opening, I'm not sure it works the way you wanted it to. The first sentence works, because everything DID change. But then you negate it with her boring life... it doesn't quite fit.


Time seemed to fly for me, as if it wasn't even there and before I knew it, it was time to go to the prom.

I'd take out the "as if it wasn't even there." You don't need it. Smile


All the pain and terror came rushing back as did the memories. My parents were never around, they never cared about me. That was the only thing lacking in my life. Love. But then Logan Stevenson had entered the picture. He told me that he loved me, told me he had from the first time he'd met me. He made me feel beautiful.

This is her past life, so except for the first sentence, it should all be past participle. "My parents had never been around..." etc.

Towards the end, you have a couple paragraph issues. When Sierra has a reaction, even if she doesn't speak, it should be a new paragraph. And when you switch point of view to Luke, it feels like it should be marked or separated somehow.

Otherwise, a really nice quick piece of fiction. Well done Smile
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Re: Prom Night Sucked

Post  Seira on Mon 19 Apr 2010, 3:15 am

Fixed it as best I could. Better, Bree?
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Re: Prom Night Sucked

Post  aalmcmullen on Mon 19 Apr 2010, 11:50 am

I like the change here - usually this sort of story is told from the living person's point of view. Luke sounds like a nice guy.
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Re: Prom Night Sucked

Post  Dreamygrril on Mon 19 Apr 2010, 7:37 pm

Wow, good work here Smile

I think the only change I'd make was when he asked her to prom, he could have seemd stranger then like maybe have more dialogue there.

But great twist and trun. affraid
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Re: Prom Night Sucked

Post  betwixt on Tue 20 Apr 2010, 1:10 am

Loved the story. I did not expect that twist, either. I thought it was going to be a Never Been Kissed scenario--so way to go on that.

The only thing I can think to add that all the other girls haven't is:

Luke watched as Sierra Taylor, the ghost that had been haunting the school for ten years, vanished before his eyes and smiled.
I would write: Luke watched as Sierra Taylor, the ghost that had been haunting the school for ten years, smiled and vanished before his eyes. Or: ...smiled, then vanished before his eyes.
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Re: Prom Night Sucked

Post  Gwyndolin on Tue 20 Apr 2010, 7:37 pm

I love that idea. I was expecting it to be a mean joke, so it was a nice surprise that Luke was there to help her. In addition to what the other girls said, I think it could be fleshed out more, and really become something you could use. Of course, I understand that excersizes like this aren't usually fleshed out. This one might be worth keeping, though, if you wanted to make a short of it.

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