The prom unexpected: A little sister's tale.

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The prom unexpected: A little sister's tale.

Post  ladylilchubb on Wed 21 Apr 2010, 7:05 pm

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Last edited by ladylilchubb on Mon 30 Aug 2010, 5:43 pm; edited 7 times in total (Reason for editing : ...typotypotypo...)

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Re: The prom unexpected: A little sister's tale.

Post  aalmcmullen on Wed 21 Apr 2010, 7:17 pm

Awww, loved it! It makes me want to go hug my little sisters. Instead of it being about some romantic interlude, it was about a sister's love and a last gift before she left her in high school. That's just too cool. You've got a great touch, lilchubb, with dialogue and inner thoughts. My one quibble is in a few places you replaced words that sounded like other words. Like 'thing' for 'think.' Or left off indefinite articles like 'an' before 'idiot.' Stuff that can easily be cleaned up. Great story!
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whoops...

Post  ladylilchubb on Wed 21 Apr 2010, 11:39 pm

lol, you're right!

I proofed it quickly before I ran out the door, but obviously didn't do a very good job--I'll try to fix them manana sometime. Thanks for pointing it out--I really just knew what I was trying to say, and made my brain see it instead of what was actually in text in front of me.

Glad you liked it though--I seriously started typing and that's just how it turned out...that's part of the reason why my WIPs never really move toward completion..the outline stuff just leaves me stumped. Shocked lol.

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Re: The prom unexpected: A little sister's tale.

Post  Dreamygrril on Fri 23 Apr 2010, 11:02 pm

Fabu! GREAT JOB!
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Re: The prom unexpected: A little sister's tale.

Post  Gwyndolin on Sat 24 Apr 2010, 9:27 am

That was really cute! I liked the story a lot. My favorite funny line was that the boys follow the big sister like love-struck baboons. It really made me laugh.

Aside from little things you would find in a good proofing, I noticed one thing:

Kevin stoically waved them off, silently thanking the dark for hiding his pain.

The whole story is told in Brenda's POV, except this line. Although it's cute, and funny, it doesn't fit because of the POV.

But aside from that. it's a really cute story. Thanks for the good read! Smile

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Re: The prom unexpected: A little sister's tale.

Post  ladylilchubb on Sat 24 Apr 2010, 9:49 am

POV kicks my butt everytime...I catch myself switching all the darn time Sad

Thanks so much for pointing that out--it's super basic, but it's one of the major things I need to work on affraid Suspect

[I think the fact that I naturally (accidentally) switch POVs so much means I should write in 3rd person, although 1st person has always been more fun for me. blah.]


Last edited by ladylilchubb on Sat 24 Apr 2010, 9:52 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : [added thought])

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Re: The prom unexpected: A little sister's tale.

Post  Gwyndolin on Sat 24 Apr 2010, 10:05 am

The reason I catch it is because I had to work so hard on it, too, lol.

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