To get things rolling (An old piece short story I wrote) Graveyard Goddess

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To get things rolling (An old piece short story I wrote) Graveyard Goddess

Post  Dreamygrril on Fri 16 Apr 2010, 5:46 pm

Graveyard Goddess

She had been alive longer than there was reason to distinct between ceasing and not. She’d seen the very fabric of time, the dawning of it all, being pulled together by the hands of her own father. And her eyes were a witness to the very birth of the planets, making her a mother in her own right.

And she’d been there when it all had ended. When destiny had turned and bled out its fortunes and heralded the apocalypse to a court of the undying. She had felt time stand still under the weight of their punishment for what they had done. They’d tried everything, everything, to undo what was set into motion but it hadn’t been enough. It was never enough.

Aniline shivered from the cold. This new sensation was as daunting as the new feeling of fear rushing through her body over all of the possibilities. A goddess, or once upon a time, never had to take into account “possibilities”. Analines fate had always been destined, knowledge of her beginning and her end was as clear as the stars in the sky. But now as a human punished to live out a humans life and existence, she would be venturing into the unknown with a path that was ever changing.

And death. She now had to face death at any moment.

One thing was her only beacon of hope now. One "possibility" made sense in this random world of mortals. She had seen it once before in a dream, a vision, and she'd at the time thrown it off like a bad dream. It hadn’t been an accident that she ended up here. Here in the place of her vision. New Orleans.

A man. A real human man. She had seen him in a graveyard just as she had seen herself. And a sign had swung from its hinges in the wind with the words French Quarter. Barefoot and recently placed on this spinning rock of a planet, she stumbled in the darkness past that very sign only moments after arriving. An omen. Wandering down the streets until she found the yard of stones and statues she felt deja vu so keenly from her vision that she grasped onto it hoping, praying.

She knew somehow that he would help her. In the dream he had. In the dream he had done so many things. Things a goddess didn’t know about other than from the watchings of mortals.

He was here now, she felt it.


Analines head swung towards the blackness nearby. Her long curls, usually swept back and orderly were flowing freely with the cold wind, and they looked like silver spider webs as they twisted in the moonlight. She wore the only piece of clothing she had with her. A white dress of thin material that gave her no warmth but had fit within the halls of the gods.


The mist stirred away from a dark shadow as it stepped among the dead. She felt a shiver again, but this time it was in anticipation mixed with dread.

What would he say to her?

Who was he other than a dream man?

She watched anxiously as he came closer. His face was exactly as she remembered, a good face, a strong face.

He didn’t look at all surprised to see her. In fact his tall frame was almost relaxed. With a shake of his head he leaned against a large grave stone.

Analine waited too, not sure what to say.

“You’re younger than I remember,” he said, pulling a cigarette from a small pouch.

He tried offering her one, but she ignored him still frowning at his words.

Shrugging, he pocketed the pack and crossed his legs taking a long drag.

“What now?” He asked.

She tried mimicking the shrug he gave but it was foreign to her and he laughed at her awkward wiggle.

The moon chose that moment to come out from behind the clouds and they both looked up at its glow. Analine had worshiped the gods of that place enough times to feel at ease with her open praise now. She leaned her head back and held her hands away from herself in her usual welcome.

“Sophie my friend,” she whispered into the air. “I miss you so.” A goddess who had escaped the punishment so easily dealt to Analine, Sophie had been unharmed and still reined in her palace on the moons face above.

Tears threatened to choke, a strange feeling, a burning, as she thought about her friends, family, and all that was lost forever. She let her hands drop to her sides with a smack, deafeted.

“Such sadness.” His voice was rough.

She felt for the odd wetness on her face and put a hand to the tears to try and stop the flow. The feelings within herself were such new emotions. They were overwhelming.

“I’m sorry.” She said, not knowing to whom she spoke.

“Some things are meant to happen.” His voice was so calming. He came forward before her until she could almost feel his warmth.

To be warm again, it called to her freezing body.She wanted so badly for that warmth to be hers, almost insanely so. Without thinking, reached for him almost and his arms hugged her to him.

“Don’t be afraid,” he gave her shivering body a small shake “I’ll keep you safe here.”

She realized that he meant it. This human. This man. A boy by her standards of time, was promising to protect her.

She huffed a small laugh in disbelief. Pulling away she shook her head in amazement. Another much louder laugh escaped her as her emotions became more unhinged, and then the hysterical cackles of a madwoman floated across the grave yard.

She WAS a goddess. What did he think HE could do to help someone who’d caused the end of the entire world.

His eyes flashed and the laughter died in her throat as she recognized something within them. She knew those eyes.

It can't be!

Her mind reeled with the possibilities, and she grabbed at a statue to support herself.

My gods he had changed, "Derron?" She gasped.



To be cont...


DRG
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Re: To get things rolling (An old piece short story I wrote) Graveyard Goddess

Post  Gwyndolin on Fri 16 Apr 2010, 11:08 pm

Wow! That is a great piece! I think you have an amazing writing style, and it draws me in instantly.

In the spirit of feedback, I did pick up on a few things. So, here goes.

But now as a human punished to live out a humans life and existence, she would be venturing into the unknown with a path that was ever changing.

Nothing big, but humans should be human's.

Things a goddess didn’t know about other than from the watchings of mortals.

I would just say the watching of mortals.

Analines head swung towards the blackness nearby. Her long curls, usually swept back and orderly were flowing freely with the cold wind, and they looked like silver spider webs as they twisted in the moonlight. She wore the only piece of clothing she had with her. A white dress of thin material that gave her no warmth but had fit within the halls of the gods.

I actually wanted to point out here that I really love your physical description of her. It is expertly woven into the story, at just the right place.

Who was he other than a dream man?

I would just recommend adding a comma after he. So it would read: Who was he, other than a dream man?

“You’re younger than I remember,” he said, pulling a cigarette from a small pouch.

He tried offering her one, but she ignored him still frowning at his words.

I thought that was funny. Just like the physical description, the humor was woven into the story at just the right place, and nicely done.

She tried mimicking the shrug he gave but it was foreign to her and he laughed at her awkward wiggle.

More perfectly simple humor. That one made me laugh out loud. Very Happy

A goddess who had escaped the punishment so easily dealt to Analine, Sophie had been unharmed and still reined in her palace on the moons face above.

Should be moon's face above.

Without thinking, reached for him almost and his arms hugged her to him.

That sentence is confusing to me. Maybe it would work better if you removed almost?

Great story, though! It pulls me right in, and I am already attached to your MC.

Bravo!

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Re: To get things rolling (An old piece short story I wrote) Graveyard Goddess

Post  Whisper on Sat 17 Apr 2010, 12:53 am

I was going to do this line by line but I realized some more general comments would work better. I love the concept, and as always you have an awesome voice in your story that draws me in. One thing that bugs me is that there are some tense problems in the first two paragraphs. Also found a few words missing a ', but you need to find those on your own lol for practice. Punctuation goes with that. For more speciffic comments:

This new sensation was as daunting as the new feeling of fear rushing through her body over all of the possibilities.

I'd rewrite that so you don't repeat the "new." Maybe "The unfamiliar sensation..."

But now as a human punished to live out a humans life and existence, she would be venturing into the unknown with a path that was ever changing.

Again, I'd substitute one of those for something else, like "mortal."

Aside from that, all I can say is nice job!
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Re: To get things rolling (An old piece short story I wrote) Graveyard Goddess

Post  Dreamygrril on Sat 17 Apr 2010, 12:12 pm

Ya, its a bit purple for a third person piece Smile

I shall correct.

Thanks guys
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Re: To get things rolling (An old piece short story I wrote) Graveyard Goddess

Post  aalmcmullen on Sat 17 Apr 2010, 9:49 pm

It has great potential, Dreamgrril. Good descriptions, but I felt like it's being held back by a bulky intro. The recollections of what had already happened overwhelmed it, so I couldn't tell when it actually moved into the present. And how did she get to New Orleans? Had she been on Earth before she reached New Orleans, or did she just appear there? I think either adding something in between the second and third paragraph that focuses squarely on how she is feeling that instant, what she is physically doing, what is happening in the now without any past comparisons, would help place it in context. Or changing the third paragraph to do that more, and squeezing those comparisons in somewhere else. Like, "The sound of her bare feet slapping the cobbled path echoed in her chest as she drew closer to the graveyard gate." Something to highlight the now.

And one other thing, I would change 'distinct' in the first sentence to distinguish.
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Re: To get things rolling (An old piece short story I wrote) Graveyard Goddess

Post  Seira on Sun 18 Apr 2010, 11:28 pm

I agree with Allmcmullen that this story has great potential. I don't agree with her finding the intro too bulky. It seemed to run quite smoothly to me, however, how did she get to New Orleans? That part is confusing and makes the reader wonder. Other then that I couldn't find anything wrong with it that hasn't already been pointed out.

*ish new at giving reviews*
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Re: To get things rolling (An old piece short story I wrote) Graveyard Goddess

Post  thisangel on Sun 16 May 2010, 11:07 am

I agree with what the others have stated above, so won't repeat it. I love the idea of a goddess sent to earth to live out a human life - that is an old old story with a new twist, fair play!

My only suggestion is to take a look at your beginning and maybe try a new take, starting with the action. There is a lot of reminiscing that could be meted out as the story moves along, rather than all at once. BUt that's just my 2 p. Smile

Other than that, lovely stuff!
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Re: To get things rolling (An old piece short story I wrote) Graveyard Goddess

Post  Liberty on Mon 17 May 2010, 2:45 pm

Sounds like a very interesting story.
Some parts I thought were too wordy, or could’ve been worded better?
It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it could just be a preference. What I mean is that, in some passages the description uses too many words to get to the point that it can be confusing for some readers. Other than that, I really enjoyed it.
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Re: To get things rolling (An old piece short story I wrote) Graveyard Goddess

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