Source of Life

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Source of Life

Post  SnowCamellia on Thu 06 May 2010, 10:55 am

Haha I'm still working on the title of this. Um lets see. The story's two heroines are boys....so this is about the love between two males. Just a little warning.

Short Description: The story is about this teenager who's indifferent towards a lot of things in life, that is to say, except for his close friend. But after meeting this mysterious person at a club, and going through the reality that he might loose his close friend he starts taking more notice of things. Things especially gets confusing when he learns about a secret of the mystery man.

There's a little cursing and violence. And since I just wrote this last night I haven't done any editing so there might be lots of errors. Oh and you might notice that I go back and forth on my past and present tense. I'm hoping I can work more on that in college. ^_^

I'm thinking of turning this into a novel but I'm not really sure. I'm actually working on two other stories/novels but I wanted to try an "easier" story before I continue with those two. I've did a lot of attempts at writing novels but never seem to get even close to it. The longest story I've written is 14 pages. (I lose my focus easily lol)

Here's the first two chapters! I hope you enjoy.

___________________________________________________________

Chapter 1

The lights illuminated the gathering crowd, their bodies glittering under the spotlight. The smell of sweat and alcohol set the atmosphere in the right mood. Their voices buried under the sound of the beating music and the loud stomping footsteps.

Girls laughing with excitement, the boys whistling out of adoration. The DJ happily talking with a friend as he prepared for the next song. They were having the time of their life. They were in completely drawn into their own world.

It was a picture perfect moment.

It was a pity that I could only see it in white and black. It was a pity that I felt nothing but emptiness from watching. And it was a place I didn’t really care for being.

Today is the birthday of a close friend I’ve known most of my whole life. He knows that I’m not into this kind of thing. But I told him that it was okay. That was the truth. I didn’t really care if I was here or not. Though I knew that Jun would have been disappointed if I didn’t come.

When he and his three friends came to pick me up, I was a bit late so I ended up throwing anything on. I wore my usual black and white tank top that Jun gave me as a gift for my 17th birthday. It had a skull on it and said, “Life is bitter, death is sweet, take a bite out of me.” Heh. He’s the only one who would come up with a gift like that.

I picked out a blue jeans from the stack laying around on my bedroom floor, tossed on my chains, grabbed my keys and ran out. And so because of that, my hair is in an unusual shape. Again. I have short, straight, black hair. And my black nail polish completed the set. So I guess things turned out okay with the clothes. I don’t usually bother with thinking about things like that, but today is special after all.

“Hey look! It’s the five princes!”

“Uwa! It’s so rare too see them all together!”

“Yeah. Especially Kazuya! He doesn’t hang out in places like this. How lucky!

Raising my head from my drink I looked over to the three girls in question. I spotted them right away. How could I not? They were to loud.

“Omg he looked at us!”

“His blue eyes are so amazing!”

“I wonder if he’s going out with anyone. Hehe”

Glancing at Jun I could see his worried expression. I didn’t like it. Turning my attention back to the girls, I smiled at them. “Ladies. I hope you’re having a good time. Would you like to join us?”

Breakout

One by one the whispers of the crowd surrounding us grew into a loud murmur and spread like a wildfire. Even Jun gasped in shock. Huh. I think I overdid it.

“Woah. Man I never thought I’d see this day!”

I looked at the other three confused. “Huh?”

“You finally talked to some girls,” continued Ryuu. He’s is the eldest of us five, age 19. Not only that but the wealthiest. After he graduates this year he’ll be working at his dad’s company, getting ready to one day take over.

Then next to Ryuu were Naoki and Naoto, twin brothers and heir to a small but successful kendo house. They looked so much alike that you can’t tell them apart. I don’t bother. Why even try?

“Hey, Naoki.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think Kazu even knows that all the girls were staring at him ever since he came.”

“Maybe he was just ignoring it?”

.
.
.

Both Naoki and Naoto. “Or completely oblivious to it! Ha ha!”

Hmph. What brats.

“Kazuya, are you alright?”

Ah. “I’m alright Jun. No need to worry so much!”

Smiling, Jun nodded his head. I don’t understand why these guys would think the girls were looking at me. It’s obvious that they were staring at Jun. He was the one who shined the most. His smile, his laugh were all so pure that it makes you feel as if you have to protect him. His forest green eyes was the most captivating, and his personality was always sweet.

Jun worked really hard for his family. So they can have a decent life. Even though his younger brother worked part time it wasn’t enough to pay for everything. Even though everyday was a struggle he never complained. That’s what I love about him.

“Kazuya-Kun would you dance with me?”

The girls. I completely forgot about them. “Uhh.”

“Just a quick one.” The girl who held out her hand looked at me with an anticipating smile. Her brown long hair, her clothes and her body was something that would probably catch the eyes of every male. But the one person who never looked away from her, even once, had a frown on his face.

“Why don’t you dance with Jun?”

Jun snapped back to attention, his head snapping up. “Hah?”

I winked at that girl. Giving her an apologetic but “please” look. “Besides he’s the birthday boy! I’m gonna head out to get some fresh air anyways.”

“Hehe that’s fine.” She walked over to Jun, taking his hand. “My name is Melanie. I’ll be in your care.” Pulling on him, they walked over to the dance floor while I looked for my escape.

Chapter 2

Having my cigarette dropped, for the second time, right after I took it out took a toll on my patience. Che.

The screaming of guys and Ohhhing of the girls drew my attention to a loud crowd circling around what seemed like a fight.

What a waste of time.

Trying again for my third, I finally was able to put the cigarette to my mouth. Now the lighter.

But before I could light my award from having a long, someone bumped into me. Hard enough to break my bud in half.

Grrr. “What the hell?!” Pushing the guy who almost fell on me, I glared at him. And 30 seconds later realized that the fight had drew near me. Opps. Guess it was my fault for not distancing myself far enough. Turning my back to the somewhat fuming guy I took a step, preparing to leave.

“Hey you!”

Ignore.

“You boy!

Ignore. Hmm I wonder if I have any more. Shacking the pack, my last one came out. Yay!

“Hey. I’m talking to you dumbass!”

And so…on my fourth try somehow the cigarette disappeared between my fingers. Gritting my teeth I turned my attention to the guy and the crowd that now gathered around him. On the side, stood, more like half-way stood, the guy who was suppose to be fighting the flame-head. Nickname for the big guy in front of me.

“You need something?”

Flame-head spit on the ground. “You think you so cool that you can go on your way after you done that? Huh, boy?

“Hmmm. Before you go spewing off nonsense you should learn how to speak.”

“What?!!” Wow. His head is literally on fire.

“Hey Flame-Head. Why don’t you try go getting a proper education and then when you can, come back and spell dumbass.”

“Whhhaaaaaat?”

Sigh. “How bothersome.”

Turning away, I walked my way back into the club. Jun was dancing away with his new girl. I’m glad he’s happy.

My eyes turning the slits, I caught the shadow of a hand holding something, coming at the back of me in a rapid speed. Just when I was about to block, another person’s figure came into view.

Spinning around I saw the boy-who-didn’t-get-to-finish-his-fight struggling to fend off a knife. Jumping in I tackled them, hitting the floor with an omph. Grabbing the knife from Flame-Head, sitting above him, I put it to his throat.
“How about you back off and go home to mommy,” I said in a low growl.

Flame-Head nodded and stood as I backed away, slowly backing away and running as fast as he could. I think he peed in his pants.

Hmpf. I can’t hold it! Bursting out laughing, I clutched my stomach and couldn’t stop. My eyes got teary.

5 Minutes later.

Si-----lience.

Clearing my throat, I headed back to the table I was sitting at earlier, ignoring the onlookers. “Where’s Jun,” I asked the wide-eyes princes. “Hello?”

Ryuu spoke up. “Jun went home with that lady friend.”

Clenching my hands I didn’t say anything. Looks like he found someone special after all. I stood and backed away from the table. “I’m leaving.” Walking away from this hell of a night, I felt the stares on my back. I knew it was Ryuu and the twins. They knew how I felt about Jun.

Among those stares, there was one that was unfamiliar but very noticing. Taking a peek behind me, in the far corner, hanging out with a ton of girls and some friends was the boy-who-didn’t-get-to-finish-his-fight.

His dark eyes reeled in my completely that I didn’t realize for a while for long I was staring at him. His long brown hair was braided to the back. He was quite tall as well. What caught me off guard was that even with his feminine looks there was an air of male around him, screaming to let lose.

On his cheek was an old but noticeable scar and beneath it a fresh wound. He should get that checked right away.

Ah. My hand covering my mouth I took a step back. What the hell was I thinking?! Why should I care if he gets it checked or not?

He looked at me with a grin. A grin that both scared and excited me. Stomping my way out the double-doors I faded away in the darkness.

I had to forget this day. This awful day.

I had a feeling it would be a bit difficult. There was something about that person that caught my attention…just a little.


_________________
“The mark of a wise person is being able to reach beyond the truth, to admit they can learn more than they already know. A wise person doesn't string together the beads of unrelated events into a necklace simply to have something they wish to see. A wise person sees the truth even if it is something unexpected. That is the most beautiful necklace to wear - the truth.” -Goodkind
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SnowCamellia

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Re: Source of Life

Post  thisangel on Sun 09 May 2010, 4:37 pm

Hiya, SnowCamellia -

As you already mentioned this was a rough version, I won't comment on any grammar or tense mistakes - only to say that I did find the story at times a bit more confusing because of them.

I like the concept - although I felt we (we the reader) haven't been yet given much information about your MC. I found doing lots of character work around my MC and other characters helped me loads with that - just a thought.

Also, I found the word "breakout" confusing, where it occurs mid first chapter. What does that mean? I wasn't sure if it was someone speaking, or stage directions or ...well, I wasn't sure what it meant, lol.

Otherwise, I like it as a concept, and am curious to learn more about your MC/. Smile
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Re: Source of Life

Post  Liberty on Mon 17 May 2010, 2:50 pm

I have issues with tenses too and I’ve been to college. Lol It’s just one of those things you have to constantly remind yourself to think of.

My thoughts: The general story and concept is good. I can see it being a young adult novel, or one of those Japanese novels (obviously not Japanese but something similar).
Here’s the areas I thought you can improve on just from my first read of it:
- Dialogue -- needs more meat.
- When a character laughs, don’t use “hahaha” or “hehe” instead use it as a description of and then put in their line, if there is one. Like he/she giggled and said… This applies to other forms of expression as well.
- Overall style and structure.
- Excessive use of punctuations. Try italicizing to get your point across, or just using one punctuation.

Very interesting story. I can’t think of a gay love story, or just even a gay fiction (but I’m sure there are some out there), and I commend you for taking on the challenge.
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Re: Source of Life

Post  Dreamygrril on Sat 22 May 2010, 1:09 pm

Agreed on the advice given above Smile

I really enjoyed the colorful writing however Smile
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